the time i ate all of my daughter's candy

The Time I Ate All of My Daughter’s Candy

I was reading through some old journal posts that I had and this made me laugh out loud (literally)

This is about the time I ate all of my daughter’s candy.

We took a little “end of summer road trip” before the kids had to go back to school. The trip was only a 3 hour drive but factoring in all the elements of 2 kids, 2 toddlers and 3 adults in 1 vehicle makes for a long day.

To start off, it wasn’t even an hour into the trip and I’ve already spilled someone’s pee all over me! I forgot there was pee in the car-potty (yes, we have a car-potty. Lol) Basically, I forgot there was pee in it and picked it up over my head to move it to the other side of the car. Not like a little splash of pee; all the pee. All. Over. Me. It’s also quite possible that some of the pee may have spilled (just a tiny bit) into the hubby’s water cup. However, I didn’t say anything because he was laughing so hard and making fun of me pretty badly. So basically, jokes on him… 

The Time I Ate All of My Daughter's Candy

As if smelling like a porta-potty wasn’t bad enough; we’ve heard kids crying and complaining, I’ve endured the hubby’s sarcastic comments and I’ve dealt with the attitude of a three year old asshole all-flipping-day. Yes I said it, she’s an asshole. She’s damn cute, absolutely no doubt about it but for goodness sake; she’s sarcastic and she never stops talking. I know we created that little monster and I wouldn’t want her any other way. She’s strong willed and I’m so thankful that we’ll never have to worry about her when she’s older but damn… she’s an asshole. 

Once we arrived at the hotel

I bought some candy for all the kids to share. Right away, the 3 year old little girl decides to try and manipulate her way into keeping more candy for herself by telling me that her 2 year old cousin would choke on the candy and that she’d better not give him any. Then she eats her candy and proceeds to throw a temper tantrum for unrelated reasons. In turn, she chokes on her candy nearly scaring me half to death!

Once she gagged up her candy onto the floor and I was certain she was out of any danger; all I wanted to do was strangle that little girl by her neck! I was so upset! I had already dealt with her shit all day and now she’s having a temper tantrum for absolutely no reason and almost killed herself in the process; ironically after she suggested the 2 year old would choke on the exact candy she was choking on. Not only did I sit her little ass in time out but I took the rest of her candy that she was no longer allowed to enjoy and I ate it in front of her. I’m pretty sure that’s not the best solution to our problems and I’m in no way suggesting that I’m mother-of-the-year but I will take a small victory where I can get one. 

By the way, it felt so damn good!

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The Time I Ate All of My Daughter's Candy

 

The Time I Ate All of My Daughter’s Candy

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the mom saga

The Mom Saga

The Mom Saga: a long and complicated series of events.

Do you ever feel like you rock the shit out of being a mom?

I NEVER do but I damn well try! I’m a damn good mom but I never rock the shit out of any of it. My life is mostly a story of same shit, different day. This is The Mom Saga.

Here’s a week worth of sarcastic chaos in my shoes…

the mom saga

Monday:

Between finding matching socks, clean underwear, getting the kids dressed, lunches and backpacks packed, everyone’s teeth brushed and off to school on time (or at least before the second bell rings which is still considered on time), I finally made it to my dentist appointment only 5 minutes late with mascara on only my right eye lashes. The 3 year old is watching Kids Netflix and eating fish crackers in the corner. I remembered to put it on the “Kids” channel this time so at least she won’t be watching The Wolf of Wall Street again. (Mother of the year, right here) 

Then we’re off to feed the princess before she becomes the hangry beast. Yes, hangry is a word.  Look it up. 

We pick up the boy early from school so I can get to an MRI appointment before we head out to his baseball game and reluctantly miss volleyball practice for only the first time this week. At this point I feel like I really need to get my shit together but there’s no time to dwell on it because I need to find a sports cup and a jock strap before we are late for the 3rd time today. Did I even feed the boy? Who knows, I’m sure we can find some leftover fish crackers in the car somewhere. 

The game ends and it’s now 8:00 pm. Kids are starving and I’m not even about to start the “cooking dinner for picky eaters” process right now. They’re ecstatic to be getting fast food but I’m feeling like a failure. 

Tuesday:

6:30am… Snooze 

6:45am… Snooze 

7:10am… Holy shit, car pool is coming in 20 minutes and I still need to get the boy up and functioning enough to brush his teeth, find his clean underwear, matching socks and make his lunch. Hopefully the girl will sleep long enough for me to get through the morning rush… Nope not today. Now we have to hear her complain about how sleepy she is (but no one made her wake up) and someone needs to hold her, someone needs to turn on the TV for her, change the channel and then change it back. Then she has to pee but too tired to walk to the toilet so someone needs to carry her. 

7:27am… Car pool is early! 

Throw together a pb&j sandwich, toss it in a lunchbox and send the boy out the door.  I’m pretty sure he brushed his teeth but that’s not even on my list of things to stress about anymore. 

The rest of the morning is trying to get the girl to cooperate

We need to get out of the house to run errands and do a little work before we have to pick up brother from school. I’m personally feeling like shit today but that’s neither here nor there. We finally get out of the house and she falls asleep in the car. So much for running errands. The little girl slept in what looked like a very uncomfortable position but I wasn’t about move her. You wouldn’t poke a sleeping bear and you never poke a sleeping toddler! 

Then it’s time to drive to the school to find a parking because if you’re not there 45 minutes early you will NEVER find a parking! Of course the hibernating bear wakes up hungry! I promised I’d feed them both after school pick up but son of a bitch, I forgot we have a parent teacher conference today! It’s fast food time again or else they’ll never eat before soccer practice! Quick stop for a bean burrito! Beans are a vegetable, right? Whatever. 

Parent teacher conference yada yada yada… (I only cried once. 3rd grade is hard! Lol)

Stop at home to change for soccer. The little girl had one pink sock and one black sock. (Mom didn’t even try) Water bottles, soccer equipment, kids buckled up and… go! 

Dealt with parents bitching and complaining about soccer time and how hard it is to get there on time. Seriously, don’t f**king go there… 

Wednesday:

Same shit, different day…pb&j. 

Early pick up from school again so I could make it to my Oncologist appointment. 

Quick stop for dinner before we attempted to make it to volleyball practice on time but failed miserably. The boy excitedly reminds me that he doesn’t have school Thursday or Friday. Great, what the heck am I suppose to do with them for 4 consecutive days!? I’m running on empty! 

Thursday:

6:30am… Snooze 

6:45am… Snooze 

7:05am… Holy shit, not again! Oh, wait there’s no school today! 

Sleep…

7:08am… “Mommy, can I watch TV in your bed? I need to pee. Hold me, I’m sleepy. Can I have cereal?”… Seriously? 

Worked on the computer as much as I could while the kids ate junk food and watched scary movies all afternoon (which I knew would bite me in the ass at bed time) but it’s the only way I could have a few hours of peace. Of course time finds a way of sneaking off, so now I’m scrambling to find a “clean enough” baseball uniform in the laundry basket. The little girl had matching soccer socks this time but one of them was dirty. Water bottles, soccer equipment, baseball equipment, kids buckled up and… go! 

Shit, I’m the snack mom today!

Holy mother f**ker!! Quick stop for snacks then drop off the boy at baseball. Drove across town to soccer practice. The girl falls asleep in that “I’m pretty sure her neck will snap off if I slam on the breaks,” position again but you never poke the bear! She slept for the duration of her practice then we ran back across town to see the rest of the boy’s baseball game. Of course the kids are starving afterwards and it’s fast food again. 

I can never seem to “get my shit together”

I’m sure tomorrow will bring another story of the mom saga but in the midst of all this chaos and feelings of half-assing life, I’ve realized that this is what it’s all about. I may fail everyday at one thing or another but I’m here and I’m trying and that’s all my kids will ever remember. I will always TRY my very best to be the mom I want them to remember. They won’t remember all the chaos. They won’t remember my stress or anxiety but they will remember that I was there. 

This is the story of all moms. The details may change but every mom has their own version of same shit, different day. There is one thing I know for sure. We need to remember to enjoy every minute of this mess we call “life” because in the center of it all are these tiny humans that only want to experience EVERYTHING that life has to offer and is that too much to ask? Absolutely not. You’re probably exhausted and delusional but at the end of it all, they will remember these experiences. Most importantly, they will simply remember that you were there. 

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don't judge me because i don't want kids

Don’t Judge Me Because I Don’t Want Kids

Written by S.W.T.

There I am, legs spread eagle staring at a stupid poster of a beach scene thumb-tacked to the ceilingI don't want kids

 

As you know, these damn procedures are bad enough without all the desperate small talk the OB-GYN attempts to make while “applying pressure” to your nether regions. This year was exceptionally horrendous. Here’s the thing, I’m in relatively good health. (I could stand to lose a few pounds but, who couldn’t) I have never had “abnormal” results and let’s be honest, the only reason I keep the damn appointment is so I can get my annual prescription of no-baby pills.

So, while my OB-GYN poked around my tits and said “you know you’re not getting any younger. Now would be a good time to talk about family planning. When are you going to have children?” I was visibly annoyed and responded with, “Yes, that’s why I’m here…I’m planning on not having any, so can you please give me my prescription”. She didn’t stop there and continued with the ubiquitous, “You’ll change your mind” in a quite obvious judgmental tone. It was at that point I decided to find a new OB-GYN. Don’t judge me because I don’t want kids.

don't judge me because i don't want kids

Listen, I get it. I’m a married woman in her mid-thirties “When are you going to have kids?” is a one of those questions I expect at this point in my life and Yes! It’s annoying for several reasons but, first and foremost it’s annoying because my procreative choices are none of your goddamn business. The End. That’s all. Bye.



I’m pretty vocal about my decision

I understand why people feel they can chime in and ask more questions, give opinions, or offer advice but my decision is just none of your business. I don’t need to be told what I’ll be missing out on, how I’ll never know true love until I have children of my own, or how I’m still so young that I’ll probably change my mind. Hey, maybe all those things are true or maybe they’re not but, it doesn’t matter. I’ve made a conscious choice and it should be respected. Don’t judge me because I don’t want kids.

I think what bothers me most about the “when are you going to have kids” question is the lack of awareness by those who ask. I’m fortunate to be healthy and I don’t have any diagnosed reproductive issues (that I know of) and while it may seem like a simple enough inquiry, asking it to the wrong person could be hurtful. You do not know the struggles some people may be facing. Someone could be dealing with health issues that make it impossible, or having relationship problems that aren’t publicly known, or under stress and the timing isn’t quite right, or grieving a miscarriage. You. Just. Don’t. Know.

I will say that I never really thought about having kids until I got married

It was just never on my radar. I have nieces, nephews, and Godchildren and I love them all. They are sweet and funny and smart and caring and I love to be around them until I have a headache from the pouting or crying or fighting or not listening or the random stickiness (like, really why are kids always sticky? Where does it come from? What is it?). But, now when I do think about it (and yes, I think about it) there are several reasons why I don’t want kids; it’s a lifestyle choice really. I’m really excited about a lot of stuff I have going on in my life right now and I’m thrilled about all I have planned for the future. Having a child just isn’t one of those things.

That’s not to say I haven’t thought about what my life would be like if I did have kids. I honestly believe that my husband and I would be terrific parents and if we happen to have one of those “Friday night and a bottle of wine oopsies” kids in the future, then…YAY!

But for now I’ll just continue to live my child-free, unfulfilled life

don't judge me because i don't want kids

I’ll continue to plan my next vacation to London, go to the movies on a whim, use the bathroom by myself and spend all my money on beer. Besides, I’m already a mom. My kid just happens to be four-legged and slobbery.

Don’t judge me because I don’t want kids.

dog mom

 




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Is Your Kid Entitled?

So, is your kid entitled? What does this mean? This means that we are raising kids that have a “sense of entitlement”. They think they have the “right” to anything and everything they want without having to earn it.  Here are a few questions you can ask yourself that go along with the article: Am I Raising An Asshole? 

Is Your Kid Entitled?

Do your kids have way too much shit?

Toys, toys and more toys! Do they have every single action figure and all the princess dolls ever made? (yet, they only play with the ONE favorite.) 37 pairs of shoes, 13 sippy cups, tablets, cell phones, video games,  Netflix, Amazon Prime, all the apps, hundreds of books they never read because they’re always playing on their tablets and watching TV…. All this for two kids?! (I’m talking from personal experience here.) I always ask myself, why do two little people need so much shit? Is your kid entitled?

You feel like you are jumping through hoops to entertain your kids at all hours of the day! Stop it. They always have to be going places! They want to to be at the movies, restaurants, bowling allies, shopping malls, the farmers market, festivals and every local event happening in town (Damn those pop-up carnivals on the side of the highway!!) and when they see things they want; they have to have it! (and, you get it but you’re still complaining that they have too much shit in the first place!) So, is your kid entitled?




Life doesn’t have to be this difficult.

Get rid of shit! I promise you, they won’t even know its gone.  Limit time on devices or use them as a reward for doing their chores. (Chore Chart) Chores should be rewarded and not paid for because when they grow up no one is going to pay them for doing their own dishes or cutting their own lawn.  My kid tells me all the time, “I should get paid for this.” My response is, “We do. We feed you.”

Don’t be afraid to make them work for things they want. Teach them what business is and have them earn their own spending money. They will quickly learn the value of a dollar and it will give them something else to do rather than play video games. It will also give them a sense of accomplishment and pride in themselves. You can also use it as a learning tool to teach them about reading, math, accounting, people skills and so much more.

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Am I Raising An Asshole?

Dear Perfect Parents,

You are raising an asshole. I know it’s hard to hear and none of your friends will tell you but it’s true. Is your kid always throwing a raging fit until they get what they want? Are they running your life? Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, “am I raising an asshole?”

Am I Raising An Asshole?

I know that discipline is a touchy subject for a lot of people but lets talk about it anyway. Most people who get offended by this are probably the people raising assholes anyway. People today are terrified to discipline their children. Kids don’t know what consequences are anymore, they are entitled to everything and there are absolutely no boundaries between right and wrong. (Is Your Kid Entitled?) I understand that kids will throw a tantrum every now and then. They push their limits to see how far they can get. They get cranky and emotional when they are hungry or need a nap and that is totally understandable but kids shouldn’t be assholes all day long! How can you even enjoy your kids when they are demanding, bitching and complaining all the time?

Now I know a lot of parents will be offended by my words but the bottom line and my main objective is to remind you that you are raising a human being. That human being will one day be an adult human being and if you allow them to be asshole kids; you’ll have raised an asshole adult.




My mom said it best one day when I told her I was terrified of her when I was a kid. We never wanted to make mom angry! She said, “It wasn’t fear, it’s respect. Kids don’t know the difference but they figure it out. Are you afraid of me now?” The truth is, I completely respect her and yes I am still a little bit frightened by my mother. Her point is this, you have to teach them the difference between right and wrong which they don’t understand yet. However, they do know what they like and don’t like and if a little bit of  fear is the vehicle you need to use in order to teach them consequences; then by all means use it. Absolutely and by no means am I encouraging any kind of abuse here whatsoever! Get that straight!

But seriously, continuously saying, “No, honey. Don’t do that. That’s not nice, sweetheart.” in that soft-mono-toned-non-aggressive voice is quite ineffective, annoying to the general public and your empty threats are a joke. If you threaten to do something, do it. Otherwise, you’re wasting your own time. These kids are running the show and we need to take back the reins! Can you imagine the next generation of a bunch of assholes? People always ask, “What is this world coming to?!” The answer is: A bunch of assholes. The world is coming to a bunch of assholes. Stop it. Seriously, ask yourself, “am I raising an asshole?”

 

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Parenting is a Bipolar Disorder

An open letter to my beautiful children,

I hope that when you read this letter you will have had children of your own to fully relate to what I’m about to say. Being a parent is the most liberating experience you will ever have in your life. You will discover feelings that you’ve never felt before and there will be no words to ever explain them. It will be the happiest and possibly the most difficult time of your life. If and when that time comes, you will quickly learn that you now possess some kind of anxiety disorder. There’s no doubt about it; parenting is a bipolar disorder. Period.



parenting is a bipolar disorder

 

Parenting Is a Bipolar Disorder

We all see these amazing (and beautiful, I might add) family photos on social media all the time! These photos and posts about our wonderful kids are absolutely beautiful! They make us smile and get a lot of “likes” and “comments” on our pages. We enjoy seeing these highlight posts from our friends everyday and we enjoy posting them ourselves. It’s a way for us to preserve these beautiful moments so we can look back on them in the future. However, can you imagine what our Facebook pages would look like if we posted every single event that happened throughout our entire day? (I know some people who actually do that. Stop it.) However, life is real and not even close to being the perfect picture we paint on Facebook or any other social media. Truthfully, mommy’s tired! I’m tired of picking up your shit off the floor and then picking it up again! I’m tired of doing the dishes just to make a dinner that you probably won’t eat to make more dishes that will need to be done again. I’m tired of folding laundry, wiping butts in the middle of dinner time, finding the other shoe just so you can kick them off as soon as you get into the car. I’m tired of you fighting your nap time when you are clearly tired and hearing you bitch and complain about everything. I’m tired of watching nothing but kid shows on TV, having an audience in the bathroom and having absolutely no personal space. In fact, Mommy Needs a Drink right about now but I wholeheartedly promise you that every cute moment and all the adorable things you do will be shared proudly on all social media outlets because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You give me a reason to live and I love you more than you will ever know.parenting is a bipolar disorder

There will be a day when I look back at all the things you did and laugh at the anxiety you gave me. I will miss these days. I actually cherish them. Even now, as you are sitting in time out at this very moment (while I’m writing this blog post) because you cut up our family photos with safety scissors. This time will pass and mommy loves you like a psychopath. So if you’ve ever wondered what drove mommy to insanity; just remember it’s all your fault because parenting is a bipolar disorder.

Love,

Mommy

the amazing life of a sarcastic wife

momma needs a drink

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