Okay, so here’s the Truth About Cancer blog
I wasn’t going to do it, but I realize this blog is sarcastically named after my “amazing life” and this is definitely a part of my life. Lately, I’ve had many friends tell me that I should blog about my journey through Cancer. I always smile in agreement that maybe one day I would but it’s taken me a long time to talk about what really happened. It’s taken me a long time to even understand what happened. In fact, no one really knows the horror that went on behind the scenes. Cancer is sad, gross and painful. It’s not funny or sarcastic. Cancer is an asshole and the truth is ugly. No one really wants to hear the truth about cancer. This is The Truth About Cancer: Part 1.
The Truth About Cancer: Part 1
When someone asks, “how are you doing?”
The automatic general response is to always say, “I’m good! How are you?” I know that most people ask how I’m feeling with complete sincerity in their hearts but to this day, I’ve never given an honest answer. No one expects for you to say, “oh I feel like I’m literally dying and the pain, vomiting and diarrhea are unbearable.” It’s really hard to be honest when the truth is so ugly. Most people knew I wasn’t okay just by looking at my 90 pound body, but to get through the small talk I had to come up with my own honest truth. So, if you’ve ever asked me how I’m doing I probably said, “I’m getting stronger everyday.” That was quite truthful and probably the only thing that I could say that was not horrifying and awkward. I wasn’t good or fine but I was getting a little bit stronger with each day past. Plus, that’s what people want to hear anyway… No one wants to hear the truth about cancer.
On September 11, 2015 I was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.
My exact diagnosis at that time was, “you have a giant tumor in your abdomen. I don’t know what kind and I don’t how long it’s been there but it’s big and it’s probably cancer.” Then he started to choke up and walked out of the room before he lost his composure. I sat there staring at the wall in disbelief. Disbelief that this was happening. Disbelief that my family would have to go through this and disbelief that there could even be a tumor of such a magnificent size inside my tiny body.
How do I tell my parents? Am I going to die and leave my 7 and 2 year old without a mom? I wasn’t done mothering them. I wasn’t done with life. There was so much more I needed to do… I wasn’t done… And, what about my husband who was sitting next to me in complete terror?
My eyes welled up with tears but I wouldn’t let them fall.
I couldn’t talk or move. My heart was beating through what felt like an empty chest but I couldn’t let him see my emotions. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. If I held back my tears then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for him. On the way home, he told me it was okay to scream and cry if I wanted, but I refused.
At that moment, I decided that I wasn’t going to fight this battle through pity. I knew I wasn’t the first person to have cancer and I wouldn’t be the last. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself and I didn’t want anyone else to either. On the other hand, I did feel sorry. I felt sorry for my family and my friends. It’s not fair to them. It’s not fair that they have to see this and feel this. My heart hurt so bad for them. This is just not fair…
This is the The Truth About Cancer: Part 1…Click here for Part 2!
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The Truth About Cancer: Part 1