Today, I feel like the devil attacked us… again…
We could have crawled into bed and cried, but we went swimming instead. We chose to live life today.
I can’t lie. I did cry. I cried really hard. I thought about how much I hate my sick body. I thought about my poor family and how much I hate that they have to experience this disgusting disease. Even though I’m not afraid of this fight, I’m not afraid of the pain or even afraid of dying; I still cry in terror for my children who carry my genetics. But then I realize, this is exactly what the devil wants! He wants me to feel sickness, hatred and terror. He wants me to cry but I’m way too stubborn for that! I refuse to let him control our lives. So, no matter what- we chose to live life today.
I avoided my moms phone calls and text messages for as long as I could. I didn’t want to have this conversation with her over the phone. Today, we learned that the tumor in my head has grown significantly and has more than quadrupled in size since the last scan.
It’s time for brain surgery…
I always told myself I would never consider brain surgery as there is a quality of life I feel that I must obtain. I know the side effects of brain surgery and this may sound like a selfish decision, but I’m not willing to live a life of less quality. I think about my family and what they would have to endure in order to take care of me. I think about myself and what kind of life I would live. Mostly, I think about living life as opposed to just being alive. I always said “no” to brain surgery.
According to the surgeons and my neurologist; this tumor is on the surface of my brain. If they can cut it out without cutting into by brain, then that’s a surgery I’m a little bit more willing to do.
So…. I don’t know if any of you have ever had to add a brain surgery into your schedule but it went something like this…
Brain Surgeon: “So, when would you like to schedule your brain surgery?”
Me: “…um, never. But I guess July will be fine.”
Apparently it’s like, totally no big deal… They’re just going to cut along the top of my head, pull my face down and sew it back on after they cut open my forehead to remove the tumor. ?
… that was sarcasm, it’s totally a big deal…. ?
So while I was avoiding phone calls and texts from my mom and dad, I came across this picture in my phone. It’s funny how God has a way of reminding me who’s in charge…
Exactly one year ago… at about 90 pounds and one of the weakest moments in my life, I stood at the edge of the Earth on top of volcanic lava while giant salty waves crashed into my fragile body. I felt so small in comparison to what God had created in front of me.
I needed to see this picture today. It reminded me that we are beyond blessed, and that no matter what edge of the earth we stand on, God created it. I know for a fact that if God can create all of this unimaginable goodness, he can destroy the tiny cancer cells that are trying to kill me. I remembered that the God I know, the God that created me and this amazing Earth is greater and stronger than any attack from that tiny insignificant dude on the other side.